Emma's Crossroads

08 January 2008 @ 03:42 pm

I had coffee with Mr. S, the guy that wants to get to know me over the three month plan. It was the first time I have spent any one-on-one time with this man and I have to admit that he is a very nice person. We have a fair amount in common and I actually enjoyed myself. I had a million and one questions about his proposal but he just wanted to get to know one another before we discussed his proposal. I felt that was a good idea but I still have all these questions floating around in my head.

I was very up front with him about where my heart is at right now. How I have not fully healed from the loss of my Master, and I honestly wasn't sure how to heal. I don't want to mislead this man in any way!

Tomorrow I am going to have dinner with some friends. There are two submissives woman that I am very eager and excited to spend tiem with. There is a certain comfort I find when I am among like minded friends.

1 comment | Visitors Voice

06 January 2008 @ 12:42 pm

New Year

With each new year there is new adventures. There is this sense of a new beginning. For a while I used to feel that way but now I feel that each day, each moment even can bring a new begininng. I am trying to take hold of that.

Sir D has presented me with a new adventure. I feel grateful to Him for all he has done for me, and hope he can feel my appreciation. He offered me the opportunity to explore my submission for three motnhs without any obligations. He has a friend that would like the chance to get to know me. I can spend three months exploring with this man or simply pass and move forward as I am.

I have been thinking and thinking and still don't know what to do.......

I do know this man and he has been within my circle of friends for quite some time. He is an honorable man and there is no reason not to trust him. On a rational level it seems like a nice option if I plan to continue keeping my submission at the top of my priority list. Of course on a purley female level my emotions don't know how to process an offer like this. My female brain is reaching a point of overthinking things because there are so many things that can happen in three months. How can one not create an emotional connection with someone you are submitting to for three months? To think that can't happen would be irresponsible on our parts. There are many things to think about and explore but it is nice to have some options.

With this new year I want to work really hard at letting go of my grief! (Thats all I want to write on that)

I didn't do much for the holidays. I tried to treat them like any other day. I didn't attend any parties. I didn't do anything remotley social. I read and watched movies. I spent tiem in solitude and it was nice. I meditated and connected with my spiritual side. I wnted to cleanse myself.

I feel rejuvenated.

Visitors Voice

20 December 2007 @ 07:21 pm

(no subject)

Now that looks like an interesting predicament...........

Current Mood:

horny

Visitors Voice

20 December 2007 @ 05:54 pm

(no subject)

People have been trying to get me in the holiday spirit and I really truly don't want to. I do not want to celebrate Christmas this year and I do not wish to be made to either. It was Master and I's favorite holiday and I am not ready to celebrate it alone. Why is that so hard for people to understand? I hate to feel pressured or guilted into doing something I genuinely do not want to participate in. I also don't like to be told how long it should take me to greive. I can grieve for the rest of my life if I want to!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

UGH!!!

Okay well I feel a tiny bit better.......

I decided to go to the munch. I relly need to reconnect to my submissive side. It is a deep aprt of my soul and losing that would really be difficult for me. The longer I wait the harder it will be to reconnect....and the easier it will be to make excuses. I am excited to meet some new people and and some old friends too. I basically disappeared from the community when Master passed away. I couldn't go there and be around all that. I think I am ready now and need it.

This is where I feel demented.....
I can go to a munch but I can't celebrate Christmas....hmmm?

I know that is stupid and makes no sense but it makes perfect sense to me. Master was so much more than a Dominant to me. He was my lover, best friend, teacher,husband and my Master. I think I need to connect to my submissive side not necessarily submit to another Dom.

Well thats enough rambling for now.

Current Mood:

annoyed

Current Music: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

1 comment | Visitors Voice

17 December 2007 @ 06:40 am

Nothing to say

I haven't really known what to write recenttly. For the past three days I have sat down to write and not known what to write about. Some of my 'Dom' friends said they could think of things for me to write about and others have told me to write just what I am feeling. While that sounds easy enough I have a hard time putting my feelings into words. I really want to give this journal a good effort, so maybe I will take my friends up on their ideas??

I spent this past weekend alone and it was nice. At first I thought I would have a hard time being solo, my friends were out of town, (Yes it is sad that I don't have more friends) I did venture out to visit a new friend and see where she works. I got a tour around her work place and met some very wonderful people. (I actually found myself attracted one of them...hehehehe) I am finally getting a hang of the bus system and feel like I can get around pretty easily now.

Since Master's passing I haven't really found myself attracted to anyone. I remember the first man I found attractive. I found myself wanting to flirt or talk to Him and then a tremendous amount of guilt followed. I still feel too connected to Master to let myself feel those feelings. I know it's normal and natural to feel attracted to people but I still feel this sense of guilt. I had envisioned for over 8 years that I would be with Master forever and to fantasize about another man feels really wrong. I know it will feel right again but when. When will I feel okay with another man or even the thought of another man. My friend tried to urge me to talk to this boy or exchange numbers as friends but I couldn't do it. He was quite cute and I did find myself thinking of him a couple times throughout the day:)

I am going to help Sir D this week with getting ready for a party. They are having a dinner party this week and Sir D has asked me to help His slave get things ready. It should be a nice time. I am looking forward to having something to do this week.

Visitors Voice

10 December 2007 @ 10:13 am

Friends

I had a few friends come visit me from out of town this weekend. They live in Portland, so it wasn't al ong journey for them. LC is my bestest girlfriend. We have known one another sicne we were little girls. She knows of my lifestyle choices and accepts me as I am. She is an amazing friend and it was wonderful to see her. I haven't seen her since Masters funeral. LC wanted to see how I was doing and make sure that Master's friends, Don & Sue, had followed thru with their promises to Master. (I knew they would but LC is alittle over protective)

I feel eternally grateful for all the love my friends have extended me throughout these past six months. It is nice to know you are loved and supported. LC is great at support but she isn't involved in the lifestyle so she doesn't understand that level of loss. At times I have tried to explain it to her but she really doesn't understand. She tries really hard and I love that about her.

I have been invited to a munch. Hmmm? There is a big part of me that wants to go btu another part of me that feels a bit insecure in my emotions to go. I am afraid I will fall apart or my jealousy will overcome me. I am going to really think abotu it and not just rule it out.

I wish I had something more substantial to write about. Maybe if anyone has any questions that would help get my journal off to a nice start.

1 comment | Visitors Voice

06 December 2007 @ 07:44 pm

Learning

I want to put out a Live Journal Etiquette apology. I had no idea I should ask someone before I add them a friend. I will do my best to learn the appropriate rules of etiquette...Please bare with me!

Today has been along day for me. I went out today and tromped around the city. I wanted to take in the city and enjoy myself. I wanted to see the holiday decorations and try to soak in the holiday spirit. I found that there were many things that brought up memories of Master. Not a bad thing just interesting how many things make me think about Him.

I am feeling like I will enjoy writing here. It is interesting to me how many people are so open about being in the lifestyle. I suppose being able to hide behind my computer helps me be so open but it still surprised me. Master didn't allow me much time, if any, on the internet. I was allowed email with my friends and family but beyond that I haven't really explored the internet. It is fascinating to me how much information is out there. What a wonderful resource!! What a wonderful wy to connect....with people all over the world!!!

4 comments | Visitors Voice

06 December 2007 @ 07:53 am

Routines

When I lived at Master's house he set forth a strict routine for me throughout the day. It was to help me keep focused and busy. He thought I would get bored but how can one get borde serving their Master.....even when they are at work:) I have found that without a routine i have a really hard time functioning. I felt lost and out of control. (Strange how when I relinquished control to Master I felt the most in control of myself....hmm?) Now that I am on my own I have found that creating a routine and small weekly goals for myself makes me feel more able to function. There are no fun little tasks anymore but it does help.

I find it wonderful that I can still apply Masters rules to certain areas of my life. He tought me a lot and I don't have to abandone all his ideals becasue he isn't physically here. In the first months after he died I thought the only way to continue on would be to let go of all that reminded me of Master. In the beginning it helped but it also made me feel numb. I felt useless and couldn't figure out what to do with myself. I thought about jumping into another M/s relationship to just forget and focus on someone else. (I realized that would never work but it sounded good at the time) I thought about hiding away in my little apartment and never coming out again. Master provided for me financially so I could just hide away forever. Then I remembered that Master told me he was always with me. When he went to work he wasn't physically there but I could feel him close to my heart. When he went on a business trip he wasn't physically there but I still maintained my rules and routines. It was like a light bulb.....I could still apply Masters guidlines without him being physically with me.

I created a routine for myself and small goals to help me feel more comfortable with the idea of working again. Even in death Masters ways still help me. He is still with me and I shouldn't abandone all that i know just becasue he isn't here in the physical form. It is hard but taking it one day at a time helps me. I admit I am a little slow and should have realized this earlier but grief is strange. It made me loose sight of what was really important. I ask myself daily, If Master were here would he be proud of me today? That helps me so much!!!

4 comments | Visitors Voice

04 December 2007 @ 02:45 pm

Trying Something New

Hello......
Well, I am not sure how to start these journals. My friend turned me onto this as a way for me to meet like minded people. (from the BDSM lifestyle) I guess I will start by sharing a bit of my story.....

My name is Emma and about 6 months ago my Master, of 10 years, past away. (Wow, that's strange to type out) It has been a very long, rough 6 months and I am just beginning to resurface myself from a very dark place. I gave myself to this Man that was no longer there to guide me, to control me, to love me. I was alone and feeling lost. My Master was very good in preparing for such a situation. He left me financially secure and in the care of His best friends. They have been amazing to me, but they are not Master. (I still refer to Him as my Master becasue in my heart He still is and always will be)

I honestly don't know what to do with myself at times. I am trying to find a way to get back into the working world, but I am beyond scared. I was a 24/7 slave to my Master for almost 10 years. My whole world revolved around Him. My whole essence was for and about Him. Now I must find my own way. How do I do that? I am not writting here to try and find a new Master, (I am no where near a place to do that) I think I am looking to connect with people who understand the loss I am experienceing without having to go into details. Maybe I can make some friends or find some support in a cyber world.

I now have to take a new path and I don't want to. I want to go back to His house and curl up in my Master's arms. I want to hear Him tell me how much He loves me. I want to take this journey with Him and I can't! (I knew this journal would make me cry.....I am such an easy crier)

I think that's all i have for right now.

Current Mood:

numb

3 comments | Visitors Voice

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